Sent my mom links to the new Downton Abbey episodes.

Her response: You magnificent bastard. I am finally getting value out of you.

It is disconcerting she just called me a bastard… but I don’t disagree with the second statement. 


Buster Keaton, ladykiller.

Just read my old college application essays. It is a wonder how I even got into a decent university, let alone a mini-Ivy.


There was this girl (call her Rebecca) that I went to school with from grades three through five. I wouldn’t say I had a crush on her or anything, but she was the closest girl friend that I had at that age. Skinny and cute, boisterous and full of life, seemingly always smiling. We didn’t really interact that much in school. I hung out with my guy friends more, she stayed with the girls. But outside of school was different.

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Our thread so far:

  • Don’t play hard to get.

  • Don’t be “easy.” Make us work for it.

  • Don’t act dumb.

  • Don’t pretend to know about our interests.

  • Don’t wear a lot of makeup.

  • In public, you will act like Mother Theresa. In the bedroom, you will act like the Mother Theresa we once saw in that porn. The one where she gets fisted by Ghandi while Margaret Thatcher diddles herself in the corner.

  • Don’t have large breasts.

  • Don’t give toothy BJ’s.

  • Don’t have long eyelashes.

  • Don’t twirl your hair.

  • Don’t lick your teeth you slut.

  • Did you just try and play with our nipples?

  • Don’t wear any makeup.

  • No duckfaces ever. They’re stupid and you’re stupid.

  • Don’t stick your finger up our ass unless you ask first because we know all you girls are just itching to finger our bungholes.

  • Don’t shop at stores that sell makeup.

  • Were you just about to do a duckface? If so, kill yourself.

  • Don’t dress provocatively.

  • Did I mention not to wear too much makeup?

  • If you act interested in our hobbies, we will be offended.

  • You’re wearing some coverup aren’t you? I dont associate with harlots.

  • No handjobs (what the fuck?).

  • Don’t you dare take any advice from Cosmo because they have literally never given advice that has ever worked ever.

  • And don’t wear too much makeup. Or make a duckface. Or makeup.

  • How dare you mention Han Solo’s name without having viewed episode IV-VI at least thrice!

And I thought girls were tough. Good job giving the ladies more things to be self-conscious about.


Since its only one night and we probably aren’t going to see each other ever again (sexually or otherwise), we are going to be nasty. Anything goes. Chewing on nipples, flicking of taints, spitting in each others mouth? The only thing that would be “out of bounds” is something that fails to demean one or both of us. You want me to have sex with that spot behind your knee? Sure. You want to me to punch you in the face while calling you “Suzanne”? Not a problem. You have your period right now? Excuse me while I face-plant into your crotch. You want your dog to lick my balls while you’re doing the reverse-cowgirl on top of me? Grab the peanut butter. You want to shit on my chest? I hope it gets in my mouth, too. You want to pour whiskey into your vagina and have me drink from it like a kitten drinking from a saucer? I’ll try anything once! You want to get some breakfast in the morning? No.